I can't change you!

Have you ever had one of those argh moments where you wished you could change someone else? It probably was your partner or your kids or a close friend. I bet you did, I have had many of those moments myself. Where someone's actions, or lack off, or words, really infuriated me and I wished they would change so that they could do what they wanted or dreamed off.

And then you tell them they need to change...

At that time, you probably have actually told them that they had to change because the way they were or are, is not the right atittude to have or be. I also bet that your words or actions had little or no effect on them or what they did about their life.

Am I right? Well the reason behind all that is that I can't really change anyone else or indeed you. No one can change you. Only you can change! The best way I can describe this is being using the example of a celebrity addicted to some kind of destructive substance.

Is it time for you to go into "rehab"?

Have you ever noticed that when you hear that Celebrity X went into rehab, that the only time that said Celebrity does kick his or her habit is when they themselves want to do it? If it was their PR, manager, family or friends that "forced" them to go into rehab, they, soon or later, end up using again?

That is because they didn't wanted to change or saw any reason to change. If they are not prepared to go through the trials and tribulations of actually undergo change they will not do it. They will sabotage themselves along the way because in their own subconscious they don't want to change!

Pain and pleasure

As I mentioned before in these pages, most of our life is governed by the pain and pleasure principle, I would even venture to say that all that we do in life is about pain and pleasure. Actually is more about the perceived pain and the perceived pleasure!

What do I mean by perceived?

Well when you are about to undergo change, you are in a state of pain, and you know already that you need to change. Now to achieve change you know in your mind all the perceived pain that will come your way, but if you also already know the great pleasure that is expecting you at the end of the process.

You will change when the perceived pleasure at the end of the process is so much greater than the perceived pain you will endure during the process that is worth while! When you are "forced" into a change process, then you only perceive the pain and don't really see the pleasure that might come into your life, so you will not put yourself into a position of strength and positive mindeset to actually undergo the process.

You will have thoughts what is the point of it all? Why am I doing this? And so on and so forth. So if you see yourself in a position that you feel that you need to change someone else, do not attempt to force that change. Instead talk to him or her to understand if they really feel that they need to change.

Do they really need to change?

If they admit it to you and are really sure about it, they will soon embark on that change and then you can become part of their support team. If they don't then you need to understand what they are saying and leave them be to make their own decision. You then need to decide how will that affect your life, and if you are to continue to be part of their life.

Why do you want them to change?

The other aspect that you need to address, is why do you want them to change? Are you trying to change someone for your benefit or for their benefit? If it is to fit into your life, then you are not being a good friend, because you are trying to mould them to you, rather than look for their wellbeing.

If they changed since you know them and are now a different person and that is destructive for them, then your support and concern is justifiable, but if they changed and they are happy with who they are, then you are the one that either has to change or step away from them.

You have the power...

You have the power to change the most important person in your life, yourself!!! Use your power to make changes in your life or within you for your benefit and you will not only achieve your goals but also you will be completely and truly happy!

Have a brilliant day!

Speak soon,

Paulo