I can't change you!

Have you ever had one of those argh moments where you wished you could change someone else? It probably was your partner or your kids or a close friend. I bet you did, I have had many of those moments myself. Where someone's actions, or lack off, or words, really infuriated me and I wished they would change so that they could do what they wanted or dreamed off.

And then you tell them they need to change...

At that time, you probably have actually told them that they had to change because the way they were or are, is not the right atittude to have or be. I also bet that your words or actions had little or no effect on them or what they did about their life.

Am I right? Well the reason behind all that is that I can't really change anyone else or indeed you. No one can change you. Only you can change! The best way I can describe this is being using the example of a celebrity addicted to some kind of destructive substance.

Is it time for you to go into "rehab"?

Have you ever noticed that when you hear that Celebrity X went into rehab, that the only time that said Celebrity does kick his or her habit is when they themselves want to do it? If it was their PR, manager, family or friends that "forced" them to go into rehab, they, soon or later, end up using again?

That is because they didn't wanted to change or saw any reason to change. If they are not prepared to go through the trials and tribulations of actually undergo change they will not do it. They will sabotage themselves along the way because in their own subconscious they don't want to change!

Pain and pleasure

As I mentioned before in these pages, most of our life is governed by the pain and pleasure principle, I would even venture to say that all that we do in life is about pain and pleasure. Actually is more about the perceived pain and the perceived pleasure!

What do I mean by perceived?

Well when you are about to undergo change, you are in a state of pain, and you know already that you need to change. Now to achieve change you know in your mind all the perceived pain that will come your way, but if you also already know the great pleasure that is expecting you at the end of the process.

You will change when the perceived pleasure at the end of the process is so much greater than the perceived pain you will endure during the process that is worth while! When you are "forced" into a change process, then you only perceive the pain and don't really see the pleasure that might come into your life, so you will not put yourself into a position of strength and positive mindeset to actually undergo the process.

You will have thoughts what is the point of it all? Why am I doing this? And so on and so forth. So if you see yourself in a position that you feel that you need to change someone else, do not attempt to force that change. Instead talk to him or her to understand if they really feel that they need to change.

Do they really need to change?

If they admit it to you and are really sure about it, they will soon embark on that change and then you can become part of their support team. If they don't then you need to understand what they are saying and leave them be to make their own decision. You then need to decide how will that affect your life, and if you are to continue to be part of their life.

Why do you want them to change?

The other aspect that you need to address, is why do you want them to change? Are you trying to change someone for your benefit or for their benefit? If it is to fit into your life, then you are not being a good friend, because you are trying to mould them to you, rather than look for their wellbeing.

If they changed since you know them and are now a different person and that is destructive for them, then your support and concern is justifiable, but if they changed and they are happy with who they are, then you are the one that either has to change or step away from them.

You have the power...

You have the power to change the most important person in your life, yourself!!! Use your power to make changes in your life or within you for your benefit and you will not only achieve your goals but also you will be completely and truly happy!

Have a brilliant day!

Speak soon,

Paulo

Who do you have around you?

Who is your support group? Who are these people and how much support to do they provide you? These people can be crucial for your success or failure, not only in your goal but also in your life in general! Yesterday during a session with one of my clients we discussed how important the ones around you can be.

Why are they so important?

You see these people hold a certain degree of power with you. Their comments and their actions can, and will, affect your motivation and will to succeed. When you sit down with your closest friends and tell them what your plans are, how do they react?

Are they quick to criticise, diminish your capabilities or even say things like "that is a really great goal but you will never be able to" or "do you really think you can do that?".

Or are they completely and utter supportive of you and completely believe in you? Well if they don't sincerely give you their support then they are not the right people to have around you. If they don't do this then it is time for you to make a very important and sometimes difficult decision. Are you keeping them close by or are you letting them go?

They don't want you to succeed...

You see people can be envious and jealous of what you are looking to achieve. They might be scared that once you reach there, they will no longer fit into your life and lifestyle. They will also think that the focus of your relationship with them will stop being about them and instead your successes will be in their mind.

So, consciously or subconsciously, they will sabotage your efforts, with their words or actions, so you don't achieve your goals or you give up on your dreams. If you do that, they will the first ones there to comfort you and tell you that "the dream was too big" or "it wasn't meant to happen" or "don't worry about it, you still have me"!

You know who they are...

When I was discussing this with my client, it hit a nerve and immediately my client knew exactly who amongst its friends or colleagues fit that description. And I admit it, it is a daunting task, knowing that in order to succeed in your goal, there will be some negative consequences of you actually achieving your goal.

This kind of people, might even be supportive to your face, but behind your back will either tell others that you will never be able to do it or even do things to distract you from your goals. They can be emotionally draining for you or get you to ran around in circles to help them. Like when I spoke with my client, I bet that you know at this point who amongst your circle of friends or associates fits that description.

Their friends are a reflection of you...

There is a Portuguese saying that describes this perfectly "Tell me who your friends are and I tell you who you are!". I am sure that there is an equal saying in English and probably in every language. So look around to who is around you. If they don't believe in you, or they criticise what you do, to your face or behind your back, or they drain you both physically and emotionally with their requests or inaptitude to do something, then it is time to move away from them.

I have done that throughout my life, and will continue to do so, when someone does not wholeheartdly believes in me or my plans then it is a question of "thank you very much but I will have to let you go".

Let them go, before they bring you down!

Naturally through life you do that, from my childhood for example, there is only one person that still remains, to this day as close to my heart and as supportive since day one! All the others have "disappeared" from my life.

Now you might argue that is because life took you in separate directions, but if they really were that important for your future life and plans they would have stuck around you, and you around them.

So what should you do at this stage?

Well don't go rushing to judgements and decide on the spot who to get rid off. Simply approach your friends and associates individually and tell them all your plans and wait for their reaction and as well their actions within the next week or so. From their behaviour, comments and actions you will soon know their "true colours" and then you can make your decision.

Support, support, support...

Surround yourself with the right people for you and you will succeed! You want people that not only give you the support but also remind you, when you are feeling down, why you are doing all this and how much you want that goal. They will congratulate you on your successes and help to get you back on track on your failures, and give you that proverbial "kick in the back side" when they know you are failing yourself!!!

Get a fantastic support group around you, find people that have done it before and ask for their support, they don't necessarily have to do anything physical to help, just hearing or reading their words will suffice you! Go on, go after your dream!!!

Have a brilliant day.

Speak soon,

Paulo

Motivation and Social Support

I just had a wow moment! Something just clicked in my mind, about one of my goals and I owe it all to a conversation that I just had. I was speaking with a wonderful lady that is very special to me, and some of the stuff she said, were not only right as well as hit the nail on the head. I even felt a new lease of life, regarding this goal, that I wasn't expecting. I am not going into detail what exactly was said, but it helped me realise that in the last couple of weeks I had neglected two very important things.

So what was missing then?

Basically, as every one in the world, even coaches, like me, have their off days, or self doubt days. We all have been there, something doesn't quite work out the way you wanted it or planned it and you feel slightly depressed, then it starts raining, or the dog chewes the cables of your computer and you start thinking what next?

Well, I was in such a place...

For several reasons I visited that place recently. Luckily I am in a position where I am aware of the techniques and tools to use to get me back into a happier place. There are many techniques you can use to pull you back in to the right direction, and I have used them all, but I was still not quite there until tonight's conversation.

There were two pieces missing...

That was it, I had overlooked two things that made all the difference. The first one comes from within and is Motivation! I had somehow forgotten what my motivation was to do all that I am doing. Yes my goal is set and it is something I really want to achieve. I have several milestones to achieve along the way, I have my Life Purpose statement that really defines who I am and what I want to achieve in life, but the motivation for it all had escaped me.

How can you find your "missing" motivation?

Well, ask yourself "What, how, why, where, when" type of questions.
- Why do I want this goal?
- What will this goal bring me if I achieve it?
- Where am I going to find the resources to help me achieve this goal?
- How am I going to find the solutions to the current problems that I am facing?
- When am I going to solve the present problem?
By asking all these questions, and ask as many as you want or need, you eventually will find the motivation that got you to write the goal in the first place!

But, there is another way!

The other way to find that "missing" motivation is the second resource that I didn't fully utilise to get me back on track, and that is Social Support! Social support, does not necessarily mean a big group of people, it can be just one person. With me it was! We all need someone that believes in you, has full trust in your capabilities and will support you in your goals and quests through life. Someone that will tell you as it is and will be fully and completely honest with you.

Who can this person be?

Well in my case she is a very special lady, that means the World to me, but it can be anyone that you trust and respect. It can be your Mum or your Dad, Brother or Sister, Husband or Wife, Partner or best friend, or even your Boss. As long as it fits all the criteria above, and that you both are completely honest with each other then that support will help you on your times of need.

Why is Social Support so important?

Human beings are social beings. We literally feed on other people's emotions, values and beliefs. We like to belong! We have group of friends, we support football teams, support political parties, unions at work, etc. Belonging to such grups, helps as feel that we are not alone! So whatever your goal is, you need a support network to help you succeed. You might need a Coach or a Mentor as well, but having someone there that understands you, believes in you and in your goal, or even has a similar goal to you, will make a big difference.

So, have you got your support network in place?

So, my question to you is have you got your social support in place? Whatever your goal is I am sure you can find someone close to you to be your social support. If your goal is setting up your business, look within your network for someone that has done it before. If it is losing weight or getting your 6-pack for holidays, you can find a gym to join or a internet forum for support. If you are studying for a qualification of any kind, anyone else that is in the same group can help or someone that already has done it in the past. Whatever your goal is, I am sure you will be able to find someone in your current network that can be your support. If not, then you have a fantastic opportunity to make new friends!

Final words...

It is important that you do it yourself, and for that you need to find the motivation to do it, but having someone helping you once in a while, will not only save you time, but also make it more enjoyable and easier for you to achieve your goal.

Hope my own experience helped you in anyway today. Have a wonderful day, and as usual if you have any comments, leave them below.

Paulo

5 Key Factors That Helped me Lose Weight

12^th September 1992, that is the day my life changed! I took the decision to come to England to study, and that was the day I arrived here. After almost 17 years, I am delighted that I took that decision, still living in England and am very happy. But that is not the reason why I am writing this piece today.

Today I am going to tell you about another day...

Another day that radically changed my life, the day that after many months of being called fat, chubby or “Sancho” (my nickname from my housemates as per Sancho Panca, D.Quixote’s loyal servant) I decided to join a gym.

But, this was a different gym...

This gym on the surface looked like any other commercial gym. Had cardio machines, weight machines, a small free weights area, sauna, etc, but there was a big difference, the trainers there were people that loved training and loved to help training others.

And the transformation begun...

Under the guidance, you can even call it mentorship, of Paul, the main trainer there, I managed to lose around 4 stone in weight, my jeans size went down from Size 40 jeans to size 34, my self confidence sky rocketed to levels that I never had felt possible and life was great, and all in 9 months!

For the first time in my life...

I felt absolutely fantastic! After over 8 or so years of being a chubby kid and not feeling comfortable in my own body, I felt great. I would go to the shops and be able to buy normal sizes. I finally would go out at night and be super confident with the ladies as well!

So, how come this change occurred?

Well looking back I truly believe that there were 5 key factors why this happened and I know if these weren’t in place at the time my story would have been very different.

1. Social Support

First and foremost, if it wasn’t for my housemate Luis, I would have never taken the plunge to actually go to the gym. He was a regular gym goer back home in Portugal and he wanted a partner to go to the gym. He became my main “source” of social support, giving me encouraging words and “pushing” me to go to the gym when I didn’t felt like it!

I became accountable...

Having him there made me accountable not only to him as my gym partner but also to myself! Even though I was the only one that was capable of changing my body, having someone there to keep me in check helped me in achieving my goal ten times faster.

2. Guidance

As soon as I joined the gym, Paul was assigned as my trainer. Paul took all my measurements, weighted me, and more importantly, asked me questions about my lifestyle, my nutrition, my physical activity and pretty much every aspect he felt influenced my situation at the time.

After our first session he designed a training plan that we reviewed every 6 to 8 weeks to make any necessary adjustments, always taking in consideration my end goal!

My very first goal...

That was the very first time I set a goal with some “meat” in it. It wasn’t a goal “just because I want to”. He actually asked me what were the benefits I saw of living on that goal, and why I wanted it so much. I am not ashamed to admit it that girls featured highly on the whys J!

Set goals for what you want to achieve and it will make it much easier for you to achieve it!

3. Nutrition

With his help I started a food journal. For one week he asked me not to change my diet and just write down every little thing I ate during the day. At the end of that week we sat down and went through it all.

Blimey that was “eyes opening stuff”...

I was amazed, to say the least, at the amount of, at a lack of a better word, crap that I was consuming in a daily basis. Not only the quantity but also the quality of my food was deplorable, even though I cooked every night, during the day at Uni I would have pizzas or burgers from the student union bar or bean and beef stews from the Caribbean Center in town.

I changed all that...

From that point onwards I started to have a lot of salads and grilled meat or fish, at night. I would prepare my lunch to take to college, which would be home-made sandwiches or salads and fruit. Reduced the consumption of pastas, potatoes and rice and started having a proper breakfast with eggs and toast instead of coffee and air!

Learning “how to eat” was one of my biggest lessons!

Take notice of what you put in your body, make changes to natural foods and start having a balanced diet.

4. Mindset

Once I made the decision to change and go to the gym, I was half way there to success, I realised what I wanted to achieve and how I could achieved it. I stopped making excuses to why I couldn’t do it and put a plan of action in place and followed it.

I felt empowered...

And every time I had a off day I would re-focus on why I wanted to change and how much I had achieved by all the small changes that I made into my life that I knew then that I would never be “chubby” again.

5. Journal

I started a journal, at the time on a notebook. Every month I would weight myself. Every other week would take measurements. I would keep track of the bad foods I ate over the weeks. I knew how much I could lift at all the various exercises and which exercises I was doing at any particular time.

By keeping track...

Of all the variables in my life I was always able to know what was working or, more importantly, not working so I could change and adjust to achieve my goal. It was also a great motivation tool to see how much I had improved in such a small period of time!

Until today I had never realized

I had never realized that way back then in 1992 I already knew the secret to change and to achieve my dream body, and the factors that helped me lose weight then are the same factors that can help anyone achieve their goals, whatever they are!

Remember them and you are on your way:

- Doing it on your own is possible but harder than doing it with someone else. Whoever they are, your best friend, your partner, a personal trainer or a coach, will help you get there faster!

- Set goals for what you want to achieve and it will make it much easier for you to achieve it!

- Take notice of what you put in your body, make changes to natural foods and start having a balanced diet.

- Once you decide you are ready to change, and start taking action, you are half way there to success.

- Keep an updated journal to keep track of your progress and to motivate you to achieve your goal!

Hope this post was of some assistance to you in your quest to achieve your goals.

All the best,

Paulo