Weird question for my blog, don't you think? Well it suits what I wanted to talk about it today. I don't know if you have seen it in the news yesterday or on the internet, but a group of Canadian researchers, found that "turning to self-help mantras to boost your spirits may have the opposite effect".
What have they found...
They found that "those with low self-esteem actually felt worst after repeating positive statements about themselves". Apparently saying "I am a loveable person" only worked with people which already had high self esteem.
And...
"The researchers, from the University of Waterloo and the University of New Brunswick, asked people with high and low self-esteem to say "I am a lovable person." They then measured the participants' moods and their feelings about themselves.In the low self-esteem group, those who repeated the mantra felt worse afterwards compared with others who did not. However people with high self-esteem felt better after repeating the positive self-statement - but only slightly."
And you know what?
I completely understand those findings and am pretty sure that if I conducted a similar study the results would be the same. Why? Because what those researchers neglected to do was the whole essence of self-help:
You will only change when you are ready to change!
What the researchers did was simply ask people to repeat phrases. If you are feeling low about yourself and someone tells you to do this because it will make you feel better, it will not necessarily make you feel better unless you are allowing it to do so. People who buy self-help books, or go and see a coach or a mentor, and go to seminars or retreats, have already made the decision to change and are embracing the help that is going to be given to them.
They have pre-disposed themselves to change.
That is the fundamental rule or law of self-help or "external" help, you must want that change to happen. Someone telling you to do something is not self help, is instead an order. They would have made better use of the research grant they got, by going to coaches clients and ask for testimonials, go to a seminar and ask participants how they felt before and after the seminar, or indeed trail the internet for all the websites with unsolicited testimonials of clients to coaches from all over the World.
Don't let this put you off...
If you are ready to make a change in your life and you are seeking help, don't let this study put you off. You have reached that stage that you are about to take action so do it, buy a book, go and see a coach, go to a seminar, whatever you do, if you are ready for it, you will succeed. Change is possible and you can achieve it if you really want it! I will not lie to you and say change is easy, because it is not, but change is possible if you really want that change to happen.
Here's to your success,
Paulo
3 years ago
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3 comments:
I actually read that particular piece of news. I agree with SOME of what you wrote. It is difficult to "force" something to happen. As you write in your text, the subjects were being pushed to say certain setences. I agree, you have to be ready to change, but if you (or someone) don't force that change uppon yourself, it will never happen. That is why I find this test accurate. Similar to what happens when we were children! You would feel sad and insecure about some event in your life and mum would "force" you to lose your fear and insecurity, go out there and ask those kids if you could play along with them. I believe wee need the same when we grow up. The problems differ, but the intensity of the feelings are the same. That is why we live in a society, that is why we choose to get married and share our lives with someone else and have friends. We need to be "forced"! We need incentive and ironically, we also feel good about doing the same for others.
"Simon Delsthorpe, a psychologist with Bradford District Care Trust and spokesman for the British Psychological Society, said self-esteem was based on a range of real life factors, and that counselling to build confidence - rather than telling yourself things are better than they are - was the solution"
I totally agree, and I have experienced this many times thorughout my life. We need connections, we need friends, we need family to help us thorugh the good and bad times.
Self-help comes AFTER this, after you're "primed" to think you can help yourself.
I watched "the Secrect" which is nothing more than a televised version of a self-help book. It did nothing for me! (I bet it did a lot for the pockets of the authors). Later I had a good chat with a friend of mine, and that worked better than any book or film out there.
We're already isolated enough, in our houses with high fences, in our cars, cocooned from everyone else, in our cubicle at work... Please, save the book money, buy your friend a drink and you'll see how much better you'll feel...
Self help books remind me of those religions that prey on vulnerable, desperate people, sucking the last penny out of their pockets, leaving them brainwashed and worse than before.
If all these "experts" really want to help, join a charity and do it for free...
Thanks for your comments. True we need friends and usually a talk with a friend is one of the best things you can do.
Regarding the tests done, I agree with you, they are accurate. In my view because of what I highlighted before.
I do, however, disagree with you with someone else forcing you to change. If someone forces you to change, you will always rebel.
If someone tells you to do something against your will, you will not do it, unless you are forced against some kind of a threat. But have you really changed like that, have you really achieved or learned something, apart from threats and forced behaviour.
What Simon Delsthorpe says, again is correct to a point, counselling, which is completely different from coaching by the way, helps build self esteem, off course it does, because you seek that counselling in the first place.
The issue with counselling and psychotherapy that I have is that they are forever looking to the past, to find blame (i.e. find excuses for what happened). The whole industry of Self Improvement and Self Help is about you moving forward, not looking behind.
With regards to the movie "The Secret", it is a good movie done to open people's eyes to what is out there. The Law of Attraction works, but is not as simple as "The Secret" makes it to be. Self-Help books have been in existence ever since books exist, even The Bible is a self help book of kind, and if you do read self-help books you will realise that most of the Authors do give to charity as being grateful for what you have and charitable to those in need is part and parcel of you becoming a better person.
Long reply, sorry :-)
Thank you for your quick reply Paulo!
Maybe you misunderstood what I was trying to demonstrate. When I wrote "forced", I placed it in inverted commas simply because I feel you need a push to do certain things in life that you are just too scared to try, not because you are being forced to do something you don't want. When mom asked you to do the dishes, that is a different kind of "forced", and it is usually achieved with threats, as you rightly mentioned. Gathering the courage to go and play with those kids is something you want but are afraid. That's where that little push from mom comes in. Again, it's the same with us grownups! You want to change jobs to something that you really love, but are afraid of the unknown: "Will I succeed? Will it pay the bills? Can I fit in?". It's easier to stay put and carry on doing the same boring, safe old job, but if your wife "forces" you to make that move, then you will have more confidence to do it, and you will do it! It's a matter of confidence and, again, the ability for humans to rely on their equals. It's a two way thing.
Apologies if the word 'forced' made things a bit confusing, but it really is an invisible force!
As for looking to the future, I do agree that it is the way forward, but we can never forget the past, after all, that's what we are made of - past experiences, mistakes and wrong decisions. We cannot deal with the future, if the past isn't fully understood. If certain doors aren't closed, others will never open.
I appreciate the donations to charity that these authors are making, but what I would love to see is free coaching and help programmes for communities where people can't even afford to buy these author's books. Now that would impress me much more that a donation, where a simple click of the mouse is all it takes.
In the end, it's these differences of opinions that make the world go round, otherwise this would be a really boring life.
Whatever method you pick, pick one that you believe in. Pick, above all, to live life ! We're only here for a blink of a star.
Keep up the blog, it's quite an interesting read and I'm sure you are helping a lot of people out there!
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